


the night is coming to an end

by iamnotalizard



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: I am so very sorry, Lung Cancer, M/M, Sickfic, Smoking, buT THIS IS BASED OFF AN AMAZING PICTURE FO FOLLOW OKAYYETI.TUMBLR.COM
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-25
Updated: 2014-09-25
Packaged: 2018-02-18 16:40:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2355302
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamnotalizard/pseuds/iamnotalizard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For a really long time, Joel and smoking went hand in hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the night is coming to an end

**Author's Note:**

> [based on this](http://okayyeti.tumblr.com/post/93416893745/joel-knew-his-smoking-habits-were-bad-for-him-but)

For a really long time, Joel and smoking went hand in hand. He started young, about twenty, maybe even nineteen; it was just one cigarette that he took a drag of to impress a girl. She had been smoking for a few years, and Joel remembers when he finally managed to kiss her, her mouth tasted like watered down beer, Doritos, and an ashtray. It was the first and last time he kissed her.

But it wasn’t the last time he smoked.

It was the way they felt between his fingers, he thought, the way they were slim and seemed to slip right into place between his index and middle finger, just above the second knuckle. Or maybe he just latched onto addictive things way too quickly. Either way, it became a habit, one that he rarely tried to break.

Joel wasn’t stupid, he knew the health risks; he knew all about the heart attack risks; the chance of strokes; the lack of breath. He just felt like it didn’t matter, it would only harm him, it wasn’t like it was hurting anyone else. Really, the most he was worried about was how to get the stains out of his teeth and the smell from his clothes when he went to visit his mom.

As he grew and moved around, the smoking came with him. It went where he went in the slight smell of cigarettes in his clothes, in the ashtrays near windows in his house, in the ever growing amount of lighters that he had lying around, and in the amount he paid for gum because despite his habit, he still hated the taste.

Though on certain occasions he did try to quit, they were few a far between, and he would end up going a week, twitchy and pissed off (well, more so than usual), before giving into his cravings. Instead he just tried to limit himself to three a day, maximum, no more, no excuses. It seemed to work for him.

Roosterteeth happened, it got so big so fast that for a while Joel kept thinking of supernova’s, burning hot for a moment before collapsing in on themselves, destroying everything around them.

He smoked a lot more than three per day. But then they evened out - the smoking and Roosterteeth - so much that when Achievement Hunters happened he stopped thinking about supernova’s and Plan B’s and he started thinking about things that mattered. Like deadlines, and paying the rent, and shit like that.

And Ray.

                Joel was, admittedly, a little bit smitten with the boy. Ray was just so happy, so bright, like stars from the sky where compressed and put into him, but still shone through any open space. Okay, so maybe it was a bit pathetic, but Joel had a bit of a hopeless crush on Ray, and maybe he wasn’t doing anything about it, so what, and maybe, _just maybe,_ Geoff had to corner him in the men’s room and tell him to suck it up and deal with his feelings and ask Ray out on a date, in order to actually ask Ray on a date.

                Anyway you slice it, Ray said yes, and Joel felt a little light headed, so he went outside for a few minutes, lit a cigarette and took a few drags just so he could process what happened, before going in and finalizing plans.

                It’s pretty much a blur for Joel after that, with a few clear spots. His relationship with Ray didn’t change anything, really, he still worked and Ray still worked and Joel still went out to drink and Ray was still a dork, and really at work the only thing that changed was that they occasionally stole each other’s coffee.

                At home, though, Joel thought it got much better. They spent weeks in each other’s house, only going back to their own to get clothes. Sometimes, they would switch, not intentionally, but it just happened. Other times, when they would watch movies, Joel would spread out on the couch, with his head on one armrest and a foot on the other, his other leg draping off the edge. Then Ray would roll his eyes and lay down on him, put his head on Joel’s chest and his legs between Joel’s, and they would just lay there. Half the time they didn’t even watch the movie, and instead just talk to each other; with Ray looking up at him and Joel would run his fingers through Ray’s hair.

Joel thought it was kind of funny that he felt himself fall in love with Ray while listening to movie soundtracks.

                Ray spent a lot of time at Joel’s house, but whenever anyone made a comment he would roll his eyes and say that Joel had a better coffee maker. In reality it was because Joel had a really comfy bed, and a couch that when you sat down the pillow would swallow you, and he had these really big windows in his living room and bedroom which were super cool and sometimes when they stayed up late, late enough that it started to become early, they would sit by them and watch as the sun came up, and Ray would smile and Joel would smile too, with smoke seeping through the cracks in his teeth, and Ray never thought smoke could be so pretty. Ray kind of moved in without meaning too, and even though they both noticed they didn’t bring it up.

                Love didn’t really come into any conversation, they just slowly realized what was happening and carried on. It was mostly other people more interested in if they loved each other.

                “No, seriously, are you guys like a forever thing?” Michael asked one day. Ray shrugged, “I mean, I guess, if we find a way to be immortal, sure we’ll be a forever thing.”

                Michael rolled his eyes, and called him a dick and went back to doing whatever Michaeles do when they’re trying to avoid work.

                For a while things were good, things were really good. Work was good, Joel was good, Ray was good, everyone was good. Ray’s lease ran out on his apartments, and he didn’t really care, just moved the last of his things to Joel’s and put the things he didn’t need on Craigslist. He felt really grown up, he was in an adult relationship where they lived together and took turns cooking (or ordering out) and even did the laundry together.

                And then Ray started coughing. He would start coughing and it would last for minutes without stopping. He just shrugged it off assuming he was just getting sick, Joel believed him but was worried enough that when he got home, he smoked three cigarettes after each other while Ray drank water and rolled his eyes, muttering about him being a big baby. The coughing lasted a long time, didn’t really seem to go away, and Ray was complaining about being tired all the time, even though he seemed to pass out when he got home, falling asleep on the couch until Joel moved him to the bed.

                Walking up the stairs was accompanied with wheezing, something Ray was continuously embarrassed about, and that was about the time Joel and Geoff were suggesting he go to the doctors.

                “I could be a lung infection or something.” Geoff said as Ray had another coughing fit, “Sometimes you just need to go in, get a few meds and then everything is back to normal.”

                Ray rolled his eyes, and even thought they were slightly watery and he voice was scratchy he still said, “I’m fine.”

                And was launched into another coughing fit. Geoff just sighed. A lot of people were worried about him, it was noticeable that he was tired, at first people just gave sly winks and knowing nods at Joel until they realized that Joel had his Concerned Face on whenever Ray would stop to catch his breath.

                It was only when Ray was talking to Gavin about a new movie coming out that he agreed to go to the doctors, when in the middle of a sentence he had to stop and cough, harder than he had before, and felt something wet and warm land on his hand. He looked down and saw his palm had small splatters of blood on it, and looked up to see Gavin looking extremely worried.

                “Well, that isn’t good,” Ray finally decided to say, “Um, I have to wash my hand and ask if I can go to the doctors.”

                “Yeah, you go do that.” Gavin nodded.

                Two days later Ray had a day off to go to the doctor’s, and Joel was coming out of his skin he was so worried, but managed to hide it well, he thought. Sort of. Mostly he drank coffee and couldn’t get any work done, but no one held it against him. He nearly jumped out of his chair to grab his phone when Ray called.

                “Hi,” Joel answered, trying to mask his nervousness.

“Hey,” Ray said, voice a little raspy in a way that reminded Joel of when Ray laughed so hard that he would start wheezing and coughing.

“Are you okay?” he asked. More than anything he wanted Ray to say yes, to call him a loser for worrying so much, to say that it was a passing thing and the doctor told him to just let it take its course.

“Sort of.” was the answer that he got.

“Do you want me to pick you up?”

“No, no, I can get home by myself.” Ray said, and Joel could hear cars drive by on the street, people talking in the background. He wondered if Ray was still in the doctors office.

“Are you still at the doctors office?”

“Kind of. I’m at the hospital. They’re running tests and stuff.” He answered, trying to be a vague as possible. It didn’t have to be true if he didn’t say it, the doctor might have been wrong.

“What?” Joel asked, already panicking, “Why are you at the hospital, what’s wrong?”

“Uh, well, they may be wrong,” Ray started, “and I’ll be here for a while, but they think they know what’s wrong.”

“ _And,_ ” Joel prompted, tempted to hang up the phone, and live in peaceful bliss, thinking that Ray was okay.

“And they think I have cancer,” Ray said, voice flat and emotionless, like he was trying so hard to be impersonal, like he didn’t want anyone to know. It didn’t last long, as he took in a shaky breath, and realized how _hard_ it was to breathe, “They think I have cancer, Joel, oh god, they think I have lung cancer, and I have no idea what to do.”

Joel said nothing for a few moments, trying to take it in, that Ray, oh god Ray, had _cancer. No,_ he thought, _the doctors_ think _he has cancer, maybe he doesn’t._

“They have to do something called a Biopsy to check, they scheduled it already, it’s gonna happen in a few days,” Ray continued, vaguely aware that he only kept talking so that he could put off panicking.

“I’m going to pick you up and drive you home,” Joel said, more calm than he felt. Then he hung up, and couldn’t move for a second.

Finally he stood up, mumbled out a few words about picking up Ray, and left.

He smoked four cigarettes on the drive there.

 

Joel never liked hospital, and he liked them even less when he knew that Ray was there. They sat in an office for a while, the chairs were padded but still uncomfortable, and the whole room - the whole _goddamn place_ \- smelt of disinfectant and air fresheners, of bleach and perfume. It was like they were trying to hide the smell of sickness behind cleanliness but knew that it made people feel weird and tried to hide that too. He and Ray had a brief, stilted conversation that ended when Ray took too deep of a breath and started hacking up a lung. They didn’t bother trying after that.

Eventually a doctor came in, and Joel immediately hated her. She was nice, and spoke with a kind, soft voice, that sounded like she had given too much bad news in a short period of time, but she had this _look_ on her face of complete and utter pity, and Joel knew what was coming.

After a brief introduction, she cleared her throat in a way that Ray could only envy and said, “Thank you for waiting so long. Now we got your tests back, and after the Biopsy report came back, I’m afraid that I have some bad news.” and she gave them a sad look and said, “I’m very sorry to say that you have lung cancer.”

She gave them a second to process it, before going on to say rehearsed words, talking about different options they had, how far along it was, but all that went through Joel head was _cancercancercancercancercancer._

Ray had cancer.

He briefly tuned back in when she started talking about side effects of treatment. The hair loss, the fatigue, the lack of appetite, the nausea, the organ damage, and crash of immune system. Listening to it all, Ray wondered if not having treatment and letting the cancer go on would be less painful.

The doctor stood up and said, “I’ll give you two a moment alone, would you like something to drink? Some water, some juice?”

“No, thank you,” Joel mumbled, trying to wrap his head around it. _Cancer._ Even the word was ugly and scary. She nodded and gave them another sad smile, before walking out.

Ray just stared at the wall behind the desk.

“Cancer doesn’t run in my family,” he said softly, and Joel couldn’t help but hear the quiet wheezes in between words, the rough undertone from a sore throat.

Ray had cancer.

“You have cancer,” Joel said quietly. Ray nodded, and took in a shuttering breathe.

“Oh my god,” Ray whispered, feeling oddly disconnected, isolated from things. Like he was watching this happen to someone else and not him. Distantly he felt himself letting out sobs, felt numbed down emotions that would probably hit him full force in a few hours. However, he did fell Joel hug him, kneeling in front of him, holding him tight.

“It’s going to be okay,” Joel started, but Ray cut him off with a sharp, “No it won’t!”

Joel shushed him, and rubbed his back, and Ray buried his head into Joel’s shoulder, feeling the soft fabric rub against his face.

“No, it’s going to be okay,” Joel whispered calmly, “It’s going to fucking suck, and it’s probably going to hurt, but it’s going to be okay. You’ll have friends to help you, and I’ll be there, and you are going to be okay.”

For some reason that made Ray cry harder, or maybe it was because it was difficult to breath with his face squished between Joel’s neck and shoulder, but he didn’t want to move, didn’t want to move his face and see that he was in the hospital and smell disinfectant, instead he wanted to feel warm and be at work or at home.

Joel just kept whispering, “You’ll be okay,” as Ray cried and tried to believe it himself.

 

The first time Ray had chemo Joel took the day off of work to spend time with him and drive him around. The nurse was helpful, explaining how it worked, what would happen, statistics and side effects spewing out of her mouth in the same sentences. Joel doesn’t remember much of what she said, but he recalls that her voice was gentle and that she had a colourful headband to keep her dreadlocks out of her eyes. She had a charm bracelet on that jingled when he reached over to hook machines up to Ray. When everything was hooked up and ready to go, she pulled Joel outside to tell him more about the side effects and how it may impact how Ray acted. She was very nice about it. Before she left, Joel couldn’t help it, and he asked if she knew how he got cancer, it didn’t run in his family, he was perfectly healthy before. She looked thoughtful more a moment, then asked, “Does he smoke?”

Joel shook his head. She nodded, then asked, “Does he ever come in close contact with anyone that _does_ smoke?”

“Yeah,” Joel answered, and the nurse nodded, “Cigarettes have filter at the mouthpiece, smokers actually have more protection than those who came in contact with secondhand smoke, they get everything that is put into it.”

Joel just stared, and thought about all the times he smoked around Ray, all the car rides they went on with him smoking, the wind pulling some fumes out the window, but not all of them, of all the times he smoked by the window at home and Ray came up and kisses him, getting a mouthful of smoke and scrunching up his nose, of all the empty packets and lighters.

Then the nurse had to go and check on another patient, and Joel was left there staring and thinking. He felt the urge to go have a cigarette, but instead he turned around and walked back to Ray.

 

Geoff was very understanding of the whole thing, told Ray to work as long as he could then go home, and for when he was inevitably forced to stay home he would just do videos with them from home, until he was unable to work at all. Still, conversations where stilted and awkward after people found out, they were more careful and spoke softer to him.

It really pissed him off. But it was probably better that way, because once Ray started treatment, it hit him full force. After a few chemo sessions the weight practically fell off him, he slept more, sometimes he would miss his alarm clock and sleep through half the day, only calling in to apologize for missing work, but _I just puked and the only thing I ate was grapes, I’m so sorry._ His hair was still there for the most part, just a few patches where tuffs fell out.

Looking at the mirror and seeing himself, Ray sometimes wondered if he would lose anything else.

 

It took Joel three weeks to quit smoking, and instead he started downing coffee like his life depended on it. Everyone noticed, but the moment they heard of Ray’s wheezing getting worse, or that he couldn’t keep anything down, or that the doctors thought that there was water retention in his lung, they decided it was better not to mention it.

 

                Joel still hated hospital, and hated them even more when Ray was laying in one of the beds, tubes going into his nose and blankets that were starched too white. He didn’t really know what was wrong, never really did, if he thought about it, but the doctors thought Ray was getting worse. He still was coughing and wheezing; he slept so much, yet was still tired all the time; and since he started chemo, he lost weight so quickly. It might have been the hospital, or maybe it was just that he was sick, but Ray said he was cold even though he was wearing a hat and had thick blanket tucking him in.

                Ray was taking it all much better than Joel.

                “You know, they’re making a much bigger deal out of this than it actually is,” Ray said.

                Joel sighed, and Ray looked over, “Hey, it’s okay, Joel, it’s-” he was cut off by his own coughing fit, bone shaking hacks came out from his mouth, strong enough that his whole body seemed to convulse, curling in on himself as spit and specks of blood came from his lips. Joel frowned and rubbed his back, petting his hair as Ray gasped for air that just wasn’t there. A few tears ran down Ray’s face as it turned red, and Joel felt his own eyes prickling but not from lack of oxygen. Seeing Ray sick was killing Joel.

                Finally the coughing subsided, and Ray took a few shuddering breaths, and leaned back on the pillow. Joel got up and got him a cup of water, bringing it to the younger’s lips even though he didn’t need help.

_Yet_ , Joel couldn’t help but think. Already Ray was having trouble do as much as he used too. _All because of me._

                Ray blinked, tear tracks on his face still shining, and he gave a small smile at Joel, as he rasped out, “Everything will be okay.”

                Joel looked at him, in the hospital, sick, cold and slightly red faced, and sighed, “Yeah,” he blinked, “Everything will be just fine.”

                Ray nodded, as a nurse came in, wearing a face that gave nothing away. She checked up on Ray as Joel repeated in his mind, _everything will be okay._ He tried to convince himself that.

**Author's Note:**

> eyyyoooo  
> shout out to dylan for editing this  
> so i moved schools having a tough time, got lost a total of six time in the past two days, almost cried on both but good news my old french teacher teaches art at this school which means i caN MAKE SARCASTIC JOKES IN CLASS WITHOUT HER THINKING IN RUDE HECK YEAH  
> also remember kids, its becoming fall (SPOOKY SEASON) so make sure u have ur sweaters and rain jackets and warm shoes okay be careful guys love u


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